Help for ending an affair, healing, and other notes from my personal wreckage

After receiving a number of emailed questions from Betrayed Spouses, it occurred to me that there is an issue out there that I haven’t read much about: When your Wayward Spouse claims to want to save the marriage, has ended the affair, but does not show or state real remorse for what they did. It can be enraging and confusing.

And if the cheating spouse doesn’t see it that way, you’re marriage is done

When your spouse isn’t showing any outward displays of guilt such as these, it may be particularly upsetting because it seems to show a lack of sympathy, caring, or remorse, and has you thinking he or she is likely to repeat the experience once you calm down and some time has elapsed.

You may wonder how you can fix a relationship where the cheating spouse doesn’t appear to really “own” the wrong he or she has perpetrated

I see it on blogs and message boards too – Former (or current) cheaters who absolutely feel justified in what they did or are doing and indicate no remorse. Curiously, they are mostly female cheaters (which is a different subject). I had one write me and told me that she regretted being caught, but did not regret the affair. And why? Because she said that since most marriages experience infidelity, that she “expected” her husband to do https://lovingwomen.org/fi/blog/etiopialaiset-treffisivustot/ it (but to her knowledge has not), and therefore, it didn’t seem so bad that SHE did it. Really? I was a bit stunned by this illogical justification for spousal betrayal. But she was quite certain that she did not regret the affair. Fair enough. People have different points of view, that’s for sure.

That being said, certainly I have read about lots of female Betrayed Spouses stating in absolute anger and frustration that their cheating husbands have shown zero remorse for their affairs too. But that aside, how can this be? How can one try and save a marriage and not outwardly show remorse for the affair?

However, I know this as a virtually lead-pipe lock and truism: If a former cheater OPENLY STATES REPEATEDLY THAT THEY HAVE NO REMORSE WHATSOEVER for the affair, it’s very unlikely a marriage can be saved. When they show no remorse at all, despite ample opportunity, especially in the immediate aftermath of affair discovery, you have an issue. Your marriage is like over.

Remorse is critical. Remorse is one of the real pillars of marital reconciliation. A leg on the stool that cannot be comprised unless the whole thing should collapse. If your spouse truly does not feel remorse for this huge stab in the back and massive deceit, you should leave them. It’s one thing to discuss “why” the person chose to have an affair (which may or may not point back to huge gaps in your marriage) and you should have this conversation – but don’t let the “why” be confused with “justification.” There is no justification for an affair. It’s wrong. You’re toast. They are a sociopath and a narcissist and you can only trust the fact that they will do whatever is best for themselves and not you.

However, total lack of remorse by the cheater is not typical. The vast majority of cheaters DO feel and show remorse, especially initially. But maybe not to the level and depth that their Betrayed Spouse would like. Which makes them wonder – “are they really sorry? Will they do this again?” The lack of adequate, meaningful, specific and deep remorse, however, may not indicate they aren’t actually remorseful! Instead, it may indicate many possibilities.